- ...Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- ...Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
- ...Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
- ...Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,and a diet coke.
- ...Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
- ...Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
- ...Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
- ...Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
- ...Do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
- ...Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
- ...Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? (No technical replies please...)
- ...Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- ...Why you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- ...Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
- ...Why it is that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- ...Why it is that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- ...Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
- ...Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
- ...Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?
- ...Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
- ...When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- ...Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
- ...Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- ...You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
- ...Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
- ...Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- ...If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- ...If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
- On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (And that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
- On a bag of Fritos: "...You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (the shoplifter special?)
- On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???)
- On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's "just" a suggestion.)
- On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." ('nuff said.)
- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (And you thought???)
- On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (I say let them learn the hard way)
- On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
- On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (And I'm taking this because???)
- On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?)
- On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious... I think they need some lessons on english...)
- On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Oh my gosh, you're kidding...)
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
- On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
- On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Um, was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
We all need to smile every once in a while. (:-D)